Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Just thinking..

I have a HUGE question in my mind, what the fuck am I doing with my life. Actually, I have lots of questions. I have to write them down in order to clarify my thoughts and organize the shit is going on inside my brain. By the way, this is the real Rosario talking.

Another question, why I haven't done something incredible or amazing with my life?

Every time I see a beautiful girl on the TV that has reached her dreams like modeling, singing, acting or jumping out of a plane NAKED, feels like I'm doing something wrong. I know what you all gonna say, you have also done pretty amazing things in your life and you should be grateful for what you accomplished and what you have because there are many people that would love to have done at least one third of what you've done. So, is it that I'm tough with myself? I really don't think so. I always thought I was going to be something big, something people will admire and look up to me and say "wow!" Rosario really is awesome. I think I haven't done anything cool for my life or for the world, I feel selfish and lazy but not doing it on purpose or conscious. Not sure what I'm missing, maybe someone to admire, to bump into a conversation that could make me change my world, to really motivate me and lift my ass up and do it.

Sometimes I would like God to talk to me and lift me from by ears and say: "Stand up and get your shit together. Life is short and I sent you to this earth because you are special and smart and can do whatever you want to do." Stop, not writing this to make you guys feel I am very special, etc etc.. is just how I feel towards my situation and what happened to me in life. But why not saying... "yes, I am special and should be doing something great!". I should be in future history books and shit haha ..

Now, don't get worried (if that's the case). Everybody has different personalities. As many as you know I'm a very analytical person, everything has to be precisely analyzed and concluded. Is just how I am. Human can be tweaked, can study, can learn from others, can be modified, but we cannot completely change, so .. everyday that I learn something, I try to apply it, but I cannot change my analytical thinking. Its funny because I went to Mexico a few weeks ago and my mom said I should have been a lawyer, that I always analyze and research deeply to prove I'm right..

Ok, after all this bullshit talking I am kinda released of my thoughts, tomorrow its gonna be a new day, cold by the way -weird for Miami- and I will keep my meditation.

I think an option to help my craziness might be going for a meditation retirement, just a weekend or so and be in complete silence; it must be pretty cool not to talk at all, to have no phones or internet and just disappear into my soul and thoughts. Of course I will make sure I have a pen and paper .. I might write a book in 3 days haha .

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Dolce far niente

Dolce far niente, the sweetness of doing nothing.

Today I've been basically doing nothing, went to work for a little bit, then came home, made a white hominy and vegetable soup and fell asleep. I did, nothing. I love doing nothing and is not mean that I'm lazy, is just I feel very comfortable in my home with only myself and my 2 cats.

I got this Italian phrase (dolce far niente) from watching the "Eat, Pray, Love" movie. I think it described exactly what I felt today.

In this movie the main character (Julia Roberts) is trying to find herself and the word that describes her the best, she is trying to find balance. I identified myself strongly with this character, I'm also trying to find balance, I'm trying to put my mind clear and think properly. I want to know if I'm doing the right thing or I'm walking on the right path.

I guess I am not because otherwise you will feel it deeply inside you.

I would totally go now on a trip to many countries I like to visit, Bali is actually on my top list. Unfortunately I can't leave at this moment but will do it soon :) ..

I want to find my word ..